A slightly belated blog I’ve been sat on for a while, but hear me out … For the first time in my life, I’m really over dating. Not just slightly deterred, a little pessimistic but still a tiny bit hopeful. Totally, resolutely out.

Earlier this year an Ex from two and a half years ago knocked on my door. Yep, no pre-warning text message. Actually turned up on the doorstep live and in person. He’d driven forty miles, sat for twenty minutes in his car stressing about what would happen when I answered (and whether I even still lived there), and all to apologize for how he went about breaking up with me. To be fair, the guy has got some balls. I couldn’t help but have admiration for the effort.

I couldn’t chat, as I was waiting for a male friend (this one I’d dated but not entered official ‘relationship’ territory as I’d ended things because he wasn’t in a position emotionally or mentally to date. But we really liked one another, he was respectful and never crossed a boundary, so we continued the friendship – purely platonically (Hey, before you judge it’s hard to meet new single friends in your 30s!)) to come over and cook dinner; A friend with chef benefits!

“When you free?.”

On this same weekend, a guy I went on a couple of dates with two years ago and didn’t work out – but we’ve continued with the traditional FWB benefits sporadically over the years for some mutual sexual relief – starts up the usual process of engaging in conversation pre, “When you free?.”

And all of this, was about six months after the Ex who came post door knocking Ex, but pre friends with chef benefits and post FWB guy, messaged me spontaneously in a number of ways (including hunting down one of my sisters to contact me) six months after he broke up with me, declaring that he’d made an awful mistake, he loved me, I’m a wonderful human being, but turns out, not one he still wanted a serious relationship with.

Confused? Me too. But this is has been my dating life

And that’s just the past few years of it. Your head would explode with the rest. So here I am, reviewing how on earth I’ve ended up in this situation of Exes who track me down when I’ve blocked contact to declare they are sorry and love me but don’t want a relationship … still. Exes who two plus years down the line ACTUALLY KNOCK ON MY DOOR to apologise. Male friendships with varying benefits. And yet no actual relationship in sight.

For the first time in my life, I’m really over dating

Not just slightly deterred, a little pessimistic but still a tiny bit hopeful. Totally, resolutely out. And I’ve been out for about six months now. The weird thing? Aside from the occasional bout of loneliness that creeps up unexpectedly here and there, I feel pretty darn good. I’ve reached a point where the relationship I have with myself is far more satisfying and wholesome than any I’ve so far experienced with anyone else or expect to find. Do I sound more than slightly pessimistic? Have you read the above dating saga that is my life?! (Reminder, this is just the past three years. I’ll get to the one who pretended he was Irish another time).

Best thing about dating myself? Less drama

I do wonder whether I’m out because it’s genuinely better dating myself, or whether it’s just too exhausting dealing with dating anyone else. I think it’s a bit of both. But until dating becomes less, dramatically confusing. I’ll stick with myself, thanks.

By Amy Roullier
By Amy Roullier

Amy is the Founder and Editor of The Authentic Optimist. She talks all things life. From the highs to the lows, to all those messy bits in-between. She is a writer, rambler, lover of carbs (her true soulmate) and she is especially passionate about dispelling myths about women in their 30s. Amy lives in Lincolnshire with her two greyhounds.